


kerosene

by prettyhearse



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Pre-Canon, theres like some cws in the notes theyre quite small but yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 17:02:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4108333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyhearse/pseuds/prettyhearse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sapphire blames herself, Ruby won't let her suffer alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	kerosene

**Author's Note:**

> i love to die- the fic
> 
> content warnings for- death mentions, brief, implied suicide ideation and that should be it aside from some bried self loathing and negativity

“You can’t save ‘em all, Rose,” Sapphire hears Ruby say to their leader, placing a comforting hand on her arm. Rose holds the cracked carnelian gem in her hands, running her thumb over the deep crack in the middle. It’s deep, nearly splitting the gem in half, and it’s much too deep for her healing tears to fix.

The three hear Pearl call them from one of the farther corners of the battlefield, holding up a gem that looks salvageable. Rose’s face lights up, and she runs to her assistant, with Ruby following close behind. But Sapphire stays put.

It was awful, possibly their most brutal battle yet. She looks around her, and there isn’t much to see. The green plants and flowers that once covered the ground have either been trampled or burned, making the ground look dusty and grey. The area is dark, the sun slowly setting in the cloudless sky, the last slithers of light making the cracked, broken gems that litter the ground glimmer and shine, large, abandoned weapons casting ominous shadows over most of the area.

She knew this was how it would end. No matter what they did, this would always be the outcome; almost all of their army lying broken on the ground. She’d spent days before this going over each possible future, finding a few unclear, unpredictable ones that didn’t end in devastation, but Rose wouldn’t listen. They weren’t going to stay at their base like sitting ducks, especially when even Sapphire herself admitted to not really knowing what would happen if they did.

But it really makes Sapphire wonder if they should have just risked staying put if it meant not losing all their friends in the process.

She sighs and kneels down to pick up a crushed sodalite gem that rests at her feet. Most of it has been turned to dust, but there are a few whole shards left. She picks them up and lets them rest in her gloved palm.

‘ _Why didn’t you save her_?’ says a voice in her head, ‘ _You knew that mallet was about to hit her, why didn’t you tell her?_ ’

She ignores the voice, rolling the shards around in her hand, frowning.

‘ _Why did you make them all come here anyway?_ ’

She looks at the ground again, at the other shattered gems surrounding her. Some are unrecognisable, mashed into the ground, reduced to fine dust. Others are cracked clean in half, shattered into larger pieces, but still too much for Rose’s tears. Not that they would leave them here to rot any way.

She lets the remains of Sodalite fall to the ground, her arms going limp at her sides.

It _is_ all her fault, isn’t it?

Why didn’t she try harder to convince Rose not to go ahead with the ambush? Why did she lie about seeing a possible future where their attack didn’t end like this? Why didn’t she try hard enough to help out during their battle? Most of these deaths would have been easily avoidable if she hadn’t been so distracted with keeping Ruby safe. She saw how most of her friends were going to die, as she did in most battles, so why didn’t she try to help them this time?

“Saph? You okay?”

Sapphire looks up and sees Ruby walking towards her, a worried expression on her face. Ruby stands beside her and puts her arm around her, patting her shoulder. “I know it looks bad, but Rose thinks we might be able to save some of them! We need to start sorting through them now and pick out which ones aren’t ours, then crush them or whatever.”

Sapphire stiffens up, biting her lip. She continues staring at the ground, staying silent for a moment.

“Sapphire? Listen, we really ne-”

“No,” she manages to whisper, clenching her fists. She doesn’t want to have to sort through all the gems she killed. The thought makes her want to cry. Even just looking at the ones close to her now is making her remember how she could have saved them.

Ruby stares at her in disbelief. “What?! C’mon, we need to get rid of _those ones_ before they start regenerating and fighting us again!”

That does it . Not only do they want her to pick up all the gems she let die, but now they want her to kill even more? She shrugs Ruby’s arm off her and covers her face with her hands.

“Just… just leave me alone!” she yells, before turning around and fleeing.

Ruby stands still for a moment, shocked, but soon takes off after her.

Sapphire turns around to glare at her through her bangs and sighs angrily, but she’s easily able to outrun her. She doesn’t want her to follow her, she doesn’t want anyone to follow her. She doesn’t even know where she’s going, but she doesn’t care. Anywhere is better than that battlefield- no, _burial site_ , so she keeps running, until she reaches the edge of a steep cliff.

She stands on the rocky edge, staring down at the waves violently crashing against the base. The sun has finally set, and it’s dark, but the moon is full and its white light is bright in the sky. Sapphire looks up at the starry sky and sighs.

Even at home her future vision was seen as a gift. It was the reason she was sent to Earth in the first place. Nobody seemed to understand what a burden it was, no matter how many times she explained it. It may seem convenient to be able to see all possible outcomes, but a lot of times those outcomes weren’t so nice. It wasn’t such a “gift” when she had to see how everyone she loved would die, how she would die, as well as having to be constantly reminded of how she could have saved those they lost.

Battles were always the hardest to cope with, but they’d never lost this many before.

And it had never been her fault if they did either.

‘ _Why were you so ignorant?_ ’ she asks herself.

A single tear rolls down her cheek and she quickly wipes it away, looking back down at the ocean. It’s a long drop down to the sharp, rocky bottom. If she fell, she would surely crack and no one would ever be able to find her. For a moment she considers stepping off the edge, the thought of finally being free from her damned future vision sounding very appealing, but the sound of someone yelling her name stops her.

She turns around and sees Ruby running towards her, crying. She looks like she’s just about ready to tackle her to the ground, but she slows down once she realises they’re standing on a cliff and pulls her into a tight hug, dragging her away from the edge.

“Sapphire,” she whispers, rubbing her cheek against hers, “Please tell me what’s wrong!”

Sapphire rests against her and embraces her tightly, feeling herself starting to tear up again. She opens her mouth to say something, but all she can manage is a tiny sob, before she breaks down crying in Ruby’s arms.

This is the first time Ruby has seen her cry, in fact, it’s the first time she’s seen herself cry for a very long time. Ruby holds her somewhat awkwardly, clearly not used to her lover being anywhere near this emotional, and lets her cry for a few minutes, until Sapphire quietens down and takes a step back.

“It’s all my fault,” she says quietly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“What?”

“I-I shouldn’t have let them go to that field! I knew what was going to happen, I could have saved them but… but I didn’t. I didn’t even try to I-”

Ruby pulls her into a hug again and strokes her hair, “It’s not your fault, y-you were just doing what was best! And it wasn’t all your idea, Pearl was the one who brought up the idea of an ambush first.”

“But that wasn’t what was best! I confirmed that her idea might work, I… I lied to Rose and I led you all into a death trap. It was my fault, Ruby, you don’t understand,” Sapphire says, shaking her head. She’s quiet for another moment, then says in a small voice, “And now, I keep seeing them. All of them.”

Ruby frowns in confusion, “Seeing who?”

“Our friends. Before they died. I keep seeing how I could have saved them. Not all of them, but maybe if I hadn’t been so ignorant we wouldn’t have lost as many.”

“Oh, Saph…” Ruby leans in and kisses her cheek. She has an idea of what it’s like to have future vision from being Garnet, and she can remember seeing some horrible things she wish she hadn’t, but she knows she’ll never understand what it’s like to deal with that all the time. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. We _won_.  I hate seeing you like this I-I… I love you.”

Sapphire manages a tiny smile. “I love you too. I just wish none of this happened. I wish I could stop seeing all this. It hurts," her smalls becomes more strained, "You'd think I’d be used to it by now, and I thought I was, but now it’s worse than ever, and I just feel so… alone.”

“Rose blames herself too, you know. So does Pearl. We all do but…”, Ruby trails off, suddenly taking Sapphire’s hands in hers, “Why don’t we fuse?!”

“What? Ruby, now isn’t the time for that, we really shou-”

“I know, I know, but if we’re Garnet, then you won’t have to put up with this alone! We’ll _both_ have future vision again and we’ll be strong and-”

Sapphire forces a small laugh and kisses Ruby to shut her up. “It’s very sweet of you, but I don’t want you to have to carry this burden as well. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“But I want to! I don’t want you to hurt by yourself anymore.”

The two stare at each other in silence for a very long time, before Sapphire quietly asks, “Forever?”

“Only if you want to.”

Sapphire is quiet again, and Ruby can guess she’s probably looking at all the possible outcomes of being Garnet forever, because in a way, she is too.

“The rest of them won’t like it, Ruby. You know what they get like if we don’t separate right after battle, and we’re already low on gems as it is.”

“Rose won’t mind! I’ve asked her about it before. And Pearl will come around eventually, especially if Rose is okay with it,” Ruby smiles at her and squeezes her hands, “Wouldn’t it be better for all of us if we’re always Garnet? It won’t matter if we’re down a gem if we’re stronger.”

Sapphire smiles back at her, and looks down, running her thumb over Ruby’s knuckles thoughtfully, still thinking.

“I just don’t want you to be alone, Sapphire.”

Sapphire looks up and kisses her again. “I love you so much,” she says with a smile, before stepping closer to her and beginning to sing softly. Ruby grins, and spins her around.

“I love you too.”


End file.
